I know that death is inevitable and the only thing to do is to accept it and that’s what I did (and what I’m doing now. I’ve been preparing myself now for my nephew… Gee, typing that is so morbid.)

Death in the family made me realize that life is really unpredictable. We dont have all the time in the world so we need to stop procrastinating. Procrastinating is actually my greatest downfall and I hate myself for that. I need to focus now.

My first goal is self-improvement. I need to declutter my life and the decluttering should start today!

I hope I wont get side-tracked again on this whole self-improvement thing.

I am re-acquainting myself on doing arts and crafts although I’m nowhere near creative. Ok, goal #2 is to stop putting myself down. I need to believe in myself more even if it means I have to patronize myself.

And because I have no idea how to end this post, I guess a sincere GOODNIGHT will do the trick?

On to a more interesting note (or not).

I just realized what I’ve been missing when I discovered how fun it is to “play” with makeups and other cosmetics. I know, late bloomer right?

Lately, I’ve been feeling down and out of the weather. I guess it must be because of the dark skies and being a sunshine person (is that even a word?), rainy days makes me sad. That’s why I decided to put on a foundation, then lipstick, then blush, then eye shadows, then I decided to try filling up my brows and using mascara and guess what? I feel so much better!

You see, I discovered that when I look good/made up, I feel good.

So yeah, I guess I am now a certified kikay. Taray, girl na girl na po tlaga ako.

How about you guys? What makes you happy?

Cut to the present.

I was testing/using Avon’s Anew day and night cream as my daily moisturizer before deciding to try Ponds. You see, my skin has a love-hate relationship with Ponds products. There are times that my skin will cooperate with my pitiful financial issues and will not breakout and will be pleasantly fair when I use Ponds (because Ponds products are affordable!) but since my skin is totally unpredictable, halfway through the product, my skin will turn into an oilspill inferno and a pimple wasteland that will last me months even years to get rid of with scars that will be a reminder that something horrible happened to my face. You know, I always, always get scars. My effort of not popping my annoying zits are useless because my zits grow on the same spot every time. Everydamntime.

Anyway, for some miracle, Ponds Flawless White Cream somehow passed the test of time (and I’m keeping my fingers crossed on this one!). I’ve been using this cream as a moisturizer for the past 3 months and thankfully, my skin is behaving like it should. And I know, I may seem really crazy for trying out Ponds again after experiencing the devastating breakouts, but you guys need to understand that almost all the products I use turns out to be a complete nightmare so what more can I lose for trying Ponds again right? Boy, was I right!

The first time I tried putting the cream on, I feel a little heaviness on my skin. It feels greasy although I love the lingering smell. After putting it on (pea size is enough to cover a portion of your face) it turns into a matte consistency. I was actually anticipating seeing whiteheads or blackheads to form on my skin the morning after because eventough it turned matte on my face, it still feels heavy. I feel like the cream is actually blocking my pores. Fortunately, the heavy greasy feeling disappears after a few minutes (give or take 15 minutes). So far I havent seen any white/blackheads anywhere on my face. I’m not sure though if its because the product is that compatible with my skin or if its because I’m using Sensa tea tree oil facial foam (which I will review soon!!!). But yeah, so far so good.

So that’s it. The tube costs me around P120 I guess. I am thinking of using the entire flawless white line after I finish my facial wash and toner. (Watson store near us closed so I’m leaning on a more accessible product that I can buy anytime).

Will add more to this review once I try their facial wash and toner (if ever they have one!).

That’s it for now.

Ciao!

—-I didnt take any pictures of the product because I dont have my camera with me. That will solicit another post so dont bother asking. —-

I promise (should I really promise?) to update once my mojo flows again. (that sounds gross!).

So yeah, a quick update on what’s happening in my life / what product I’m obsessing with lately:

- I’ve discovered the importance of having perfect eyebrows. It really makes your face more presentable. I discoved (and I’m quite late on discovering this hehe) that eyebriws really makes or breaks your look. I hope you get what I mean. Hehe

- I can do my brows!!!! And eventhough its not near as perfect, I’m almost there. Few more practice and I’m about to be the eyebrow master yo!

- I’ve been using Ponds moisturizer lately, and thankfully, I find the product good. I used to breakout when I use Ponds, but I guess (as the saying goes) beggars cant be choosy( or choosers whichever applies) so my face stopped being so damn high maintenance for now. Plus points to Ponds for being el cheapo. Yey!!!

- Been using Sensa tea tree oil facial foam and toner and I find the combo good. i just dont know if the tea tree line of sensa also has a moisturizer. Will look for that soon.

- I discovered the greatness of local brands. I’m not one to use makeups but certain instances (age is a huge factor huhu) made me realize that I need to use makeup to look more presentable. Being the frugal person that I am (now), I decided looking into local brands and (again, beggars cant be choosers) and found out that local brands can be good. I’m using Fanny Seranno’s concealer, blush and eyebrow powder that doubles as an eyeshadow and I find all products good. I have to road test them a bit more though to really see if they are compatible with my unpredictable skin.

- Read Jay Asher’s 13 Reasons Why. Good book.

So there you have it, some highlights of what I’m into lately. Reviews of products/book to follow. Promise, promise, promise.

That’s it for now, have a good night to all.

Ciao!

Before getting married and having my baby, I used to live my life on the edge (so to speak). I was spontaneous and I live my life in the moment. I was careless, fearless and practically naive (or ignorant, I guess) and of course I was also young then. Looking back, it’s not a bad thing to live that way; however, now that I am a mom, certain things don’t really apply to me now. I can’t be careless anymore, because I am nourishing another human being and I dont want to put her at risk. Anyway, the reason why I’m saying this is simple – sometimes, I feel like I am such a snoozefest and that I need to spice up my day or my life more. Dont get me wrong, my married life is awesome, but I need to do things for myself, to satisfy the inner adventurer in me. My inner me kept shouting “I THIRST FOR AN ADVENTURE, FOR A QUEST, FOR A LIFE”.

And so I made a list of things that I want ~I NEED~ to do to make me less of a prude. Here goes.

• I want to start my own photo exhibit someday that will feature my works. I know I’m nowhere near a pro-photog but I love taking pics and I see something in my shots that I hope you’ll see too.

• I want to write a book about things that makes me happy. I am not good with words and most of the time, I have a hard time relaying or explaining myself or simply putting my thoughts into words so this will be a real challenge to me.

• I want to travel to learn the locals culture. I want to convince myself that I am LIVING MY LIFE and not just simply living, breathing, existing. We have a huge galaxy and that galaxy is only a speck in the entire universe, so I dont want to be just a speck. I want to be THE SPECK that shines. I want to teach whoever I meet about the things I know and I want to learn things that they know in return.

• I want to do voluntary work that will help other people before I die. I want to be useful.

• I want to do street photography. I want to capture the simple things and make them into an artform. I want to look into my portfolios and know that I experience things. I know anyone can do streetphotography, but sad fact of life is that we are all tied to our work that we are forgetting how to live. I always say this to my husband and I’m saying this to all of you my dear readers now: WE ARE BORN TO LIVE, WE DONT LIVE TO WORK.

• I want to do outrageous or silly or shocking things and I wont give a damn about what other people might say or think. I’m done with worrying. I want to live life without worrying what others reaction might be. This includes wearing clothes that I feel pretty enough to wear and not worrying what others might think about my huge belly. I will smile a lot and that will be me, proving that I dont give a fuck about what you think.

• I want to have my back coverered with ink. Life is too short to live life with hesitations and regrets. I am done worrying and regretting.

That’s it for now. I find this post quite liberating to tell you honestly. Just the fact that I am trying to quit worrying makes me happy. So yeah, there goes my list. How about you, what are your future plans to convince yourself that you are really REALLY LIVING?

ALL BODIES ARE GOOD BODIES.

There are no bad bodies. The concept of “bad bodies” is a conspiracy.

On average, women see over 400 advertisements a day with glamorized images of what they should look like.

You know what all those images have in common?

They are selling something. Make up, a gym membership, clothes, hair products, restaurants, diet plans, razors, plastic surgery, etc.

There is a reason this ideal exists. It’s to make money. There is a reason that thin has been so culturally accepted as the way to have a “good” body. There is a reason that the beauty ideal – thin frame, even round breasts, long legs, smooth skin, long sleek hair, perfect complexion, made up, and wearing a certain style of clothing – exist for a reason.

The reason, is that if corporations can manage to convince women that they aren’t beautiful the way they are, they can convince them that they need certain things to make them beautiful.

Like diet pills and diet food and a gym membership and make up and cover up and nail polish and spanx and fancy clothes and more and more and more.

It is a conspiracy to make money.

And it’s one of the most successful conspiracies in the world.

You know what else those ads all have in common? They show those women as being happy and successful; having friends, going to parties, having men desiring them, being confident, smooth, and popular. This had led to an abundance of women who deeply believe, consciously or not, that the only way to achieve happiness, is to achieve a certain aesthetic.

It’s not just the media. because this has been so widely spread, and accepted, you hear it everywhere. from your peers, your parents, your teachers, even strangers.

IT’S. NOT. TRUE.

Bodies have become such a taboo, and such a subject of shame for most women, that girls don’t grow up seeing real women’s bodies. Not represented by the media, and not even represented by the women in their lives. I think it’s pretty rare for a girl to grow up seeing all different shapes and sizes of women being represented proudly, and not in the context of “look how disgusting this part of me is.”

So who do they look to, to try to understand what women should look like?

Magazines, tv commercials, etc etc.

So they think that’s what all people should look like. So of COURSE they feel like something is wrong with them. Of course they do.

But there isn’t. There is nothing wrong with you.

The part of your body that you think is just *wrong*, and *deformed*, and *hideous.* Why? Your body is built exactly the way it’s meant to be. It’s your body. And anybody who tries to tell you there is something inherently bad about it is brainwashed.

There are no bad bodies. There are only bodies that are well taken care of, and bodies that are not. If you eat food that makes you feel good, and do things that make your body feel good, then your body will find the weight, the size, and the shape that is best for it.

That might be 90 pounds. 120 pounds. 180 pounds. 250 pounds. More or less. Anything.

So maybe, next time you’re sitting there just thinking about how fat, and ugly, and wrong you are, take a second to ask yourself, why do I think that?

The reason is, because you have been programmed to think that. You have grown up in a toxic environment, where that concept – the concept of good and bad bodies – is everywhere. And just knowing that won’t make those thoughts go away, but maybe, it will give you more perspective. Maybe then you can step back, and say, “okay. this isn’t real. This is actually complete and utter f*cking bullsh*t.”

Your body is a good body.

Your body is the perfect body.

How do you deal? You just have to accept that she’s gone.
Accept that you can no longer hold her or say goodbye to her or even the usual good mornings and the common hellos.

You just need to take it in; all the pain. You miss her but you just cant say it to her face. And all you have left are the choked “i-should-have-said-it” or the regretful “i-should-have-hold-her-longer/tighter” dilemmas.

How do you deal from the hurt?
How do you see the rainbow after the storm when you’re so afraid to go out and feel the sun on your skin?

How do you smile when the sun’s rays burn you? Your feelings? Your happiness?
You just accept. You just close your eyes and think of her smiles, of her well groomed nails and her perfect hair and the pair of shoes that she’s wearing eventhough you were never able to go with her to buy one. Dont worry, wherever she’s now, there are perfect shoe stores and hairdressers. There are funny sitcoms and movies. There is no pain, only laughter and joy.

How do you deal from losing her? You just accept. You just think of the memories. You just let go and move on. You just miss her. And if you still cant close your eyes without remembering the pain from seeing her face, then cry until you got tired. Then maybe, just maybe, after that, then you can deal.

I miss you mommy.

Searching….

Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

Highs:

Doing this 30 day challenge that I initially thought will be a waste of time.

Lows:

Aside from ending this challenge, I still cant shed the excess 10lbs from my pregnancy.

• write more
• be more creative
• lose at least 5 lbs and not gain it back
• finish my scrapbook
• print pictures
• eat healthy
• exercise
• write more (just in case i forget)
• look for another 30 day challenge
• take more photos
• have sex. a lot.

I miss going out, going to places, drinking wine, dancing the night away, being care free and care less, being limber, my alone time, my private bubble, taking long baths, running and being thin.

And yes, Im too materialistic to not miss having my own money.

I have a lot of problems, some petty and others a burden to have.

My extra 9lbs due to my pregnancy is my biggest problem now due to the fact that almost all of my clothes are either S or M and I have to give most of them away because they dont fit me anymore. My body structure has changed and though most times I dont give a fuck about it, there are still times that I get affected by it.
And yes, I sound whiny and petty and my sentences are mostly fragments, so yeah, grammar is another problem that I have to face daily.

Aestethically, square-jawed, ripped abs, great teeth, great smile, perfect nose and tall guys attracts me, I mean, who doesnt?

But the truth is, my type have always been chubby guys with witty humor and a favorable attitude.

im currently fascinated with Paulo Nacpil, a 20 yr old nursing student of UERM who takes fantastic photographs. Why Im fascinated? Because this kid is brilliant! I’m telling you guys, this kid is a genius.

Visit his site at http://capturedphotos.tumblr.com

My favorite movie of all time is My Girl (starring Anna Chlumsky and Macaulay Culkin). The film deals with friendship, young love, fears and death. Its a fantastic film and I couldnt help but cry everytime I watch this film.

Favorite line (poem) in the movie:

Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown? Is it because he left you one day? Is it because he could not stay? On your branches he would swing, Do you long for the happiness that day would bring? He found shelter in your shade, he thought his laughter would never fade. Weeping willow stop your tears, for there is something to calm your fears. You think death has ripped you forever apart, but I know he’ll always be in your heart.

Alexander Skarsgaard
Ian Somerhalder
Ryan Gosling
Johnny Depp
Derek Ramsay

(pictures to follow)

2 years ago, I’m nowhere near responsible as I am now. My husband and I are both living in the same roof but we are both capable of taking care of ourselves so there’s no need to be worried if I wasn’t able to cook dinner. Now, my bosom is my daughter’s nutrition. It feels good to provide.

2 years ago, I was stuck in a job that I’m sure will be the cause of my early death. Now, I’m a happy stay at home mom who finds happiness in my little tots farts and drool.

2 years ago, I’ve no regard in time. Now, I value routine.

2 years ago, its just not in my vocabulary to be patient. I’m trying but I cant. Now, I have no choice but be patient. Im learning that patience really is a virtue.

So how have I changed in the past 2 years?

Well, I think Ive grown a lot more mature and a little less selfish.
Im now a better person than what i used to be.

For someone who rarely watch television, I have a lot of favorite shows.
My current favorite is The Big Bang Theory.
I’m nowhere near genius and I really hate Physics but I just love how socially awkward these guys are.
Simply put, the show brings out the dorkness in me.

Education is important especially if you’re living in a third world country like ours where degree means a matter of having a good job or not.
Stay in school.

I was once a very disrespectful daughter. I used to talk back and shout at my mom when I was in elementary. It doesn’t feel right and I feel like a total asshole afterwards. Thankfully, I outgrew that bad habit when I graduated from elementary.

So kids, respect your parents. Love them because they only want what’s best for us eventhough sometimes they have a shitty way of showing it.

I believe in love. I believe that it’s not supposed to be destructive, obsessive, jealous and limiting. Two whole persons make up a healthy relationship. Their supposed to compliment and not just supplement each other. I also believe that all is fair in love and war.

I believe that a woman is worth more than what’s between her legs. I believe that our value doesnt diminish when we lose our virginity. We are human and not a slave of our vagina. I also believe in using protection and that our youth needs to be taught sex education.

I believe that people have the right to choose their own beliefs especially when it comes to the god they praise. I respect that; however, when they start telling me that what they believe in is the right way or they start to tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, I’ll call their religious stuff a piece of crap, and they in turn should respect that.

I know I’ve been too dramatic last year, but the truth is: 2010 had been a good year for me.

I got pregnant (well technically its December 2009, but i’ve been pregnant for a good quarter of the year!), stayed at home and left my crappy job with a not so wonderful boss and equally frustrating (more like Hitchcock creation-psycho) team mate.

Eventhough I stayed in bed most of that year, having someone (a very special and lovely someone) growing inside me makes up for th lack of malling and yes, lack of sex.

A huge chunk of my not so good experience this year is/was my post partum depression. It was horrible. Most of you will tsk with disgust because of the things I said and thought. But with great support and counsel (a great shoutout to my hubby and Ms. Kathy Seraspi) I came out bruised but fine.

Those hormones really got me down And the crying, sweet Jesus, the crying was unbearable.

So yeah those are my lowest low for the past year.

There are many gifted artists and song writers that’s why I’m quite disappointed on how most mainstream music turns out. Most of them are full of crap. Talented underground bands and indie bands that goes mainstream turns out to be sellouts. A big disappointment and a total waste of talent IMHO.

So yeah, most mainstream music sucks. No wonder Kurt Kobain killed himself.

I think I need to start posting again on my old tumblr cuz that’s my fave tumblr of all. (Narcissism at its finest)

Visit me at

My Tumblr

My earliest memory is when I was 2 years old. I was biking in our living room when my finger got caught in one of the wheels. I was crying so hard but my mommy took me in her arms and hugged me tight.

I never forgot that moment. It’s priceless.

I love travelling and visiting new places and experiencing their cultures (and sampling their foods) firsthand. If I have the dough to spend I will definitely visit India, South Korea, Japan, Europe and the USA.
I’m actually thinking of moving and settling down to Singapore. I’ll discuss that with hubby tomorrow.

Day 12 – Bullet your whole day. (today)

• woke up at 3am and breastfed my baby.
• slept again
• woke up at 7am and breastfed my baby again
• played with my daughter
• breastfed my baby
• bathe my kiddo
• breastfed my baby
• played with my daughter
• breastfed my baby
• slept because kiddo was sleeping
• breastfed my baby
• played with my daughter again
• ate late lunch
• breastfed my baby
• rocked my daughter to sleep
• breastfed my baby (she fell asleep while breastfeeding)
• cooked dinner for hubby
• ate fried bangus and mushroom soup for dinner
• washed the dishes
• washed and sterilized baby’s bottles
• took a bath
• talk to hubby about some stuffs
• breastfed my baby
• blog
• will sleep now

1. Lady (Kenny Rogers)

2. Pumps (Amy Winehouse)

3. Adia (Sarah Mclachlan)

4. Ashes and wine (A Fine Frenzy)

5. What Am I To You? (Norah Jones)

6. Love is a Losing Game (Amy Winehouse)

7. She (Jack Jones)

8. I Cant Say Goodbye to You (Helen Reddy)

9. You’re the One (The Carpenters)

10. The Hardest Day (Alejandro Sanz & Andrea Corr)

I used to think that what I felt with my past lovers are love only realizing that it wasn’t love after all just a deep infatuation (or obsession) after we broke up.

Not to be cheesy or mushy but my husband is my first love that’s why I married him.

There are times when we want to whack each other in the head because of each others bad habits but we refrain from doing so because we vowed to love (and not murder) each other – flaws and all till death do us part.

I believe that my husband is not just my husband but also my partner, my soul mate, my friend, my equal and my life.

I am better when I am with him and I think he feels the same when he’s with me.

I love him not because I feel butterflies in my tummy when he kisses me but because we compliment each other so well that I’m not sure I can function right without him by my side.

Oh, about my first kiss: It was wet and sloppy. Totally a disaster.

I used to see myself as a journalist with substance but being the lazy ass that I am, I didn’t pursue whatever is left of my dream. I’ve always imagined that my life will be better when I am a journalist, doing the kind of field work that will make your toes curl (undercover slut anyone?!) with a 7-figure salary, a svelte ass and boobs the size of watermelons. But I live in the Philippines, where dreams are obsolete and corporate slavery is the norm to be able to have a 5-figure salary.

In real life, I am nowhere near being a journalist and I still suck at grammar. Im stuck at home with my kid waiting for my husband to come home.

I didn’t saw myself as a mom and a housewife, only a journalist or the town slut…but i am thanking God that i didnt became a journalist because what i have now is more than what i can hope for.

And yes, new bedsheets, pillowcases and teflon makes me happy.

Getting married and giving birth are the best and memorable moments of my life… but I am only human, a materialistic one at that, so I still feel something is lacking. That my life can be a little bit better (although this time my frame of mind is always “OUR life can be a little bit better if…”) if I am more richer and more thinner. Silly, I know, but I guess it’s human nature to want more than what we have; to be better than what we are now. It’s not envy – just a thought of wanting to be better than what we can be, which I think is a good trait because I always aspire and try to be a better person everyday.

I am never satisfied… well, only after orgasm that’s what!

Cancer individual is a deeply emotional person inside, but is smooth and confident on the outside. Home and family give the Cancerian strength and stability, and the home is the safe “shell” that the Cancer individual knows he can retreat to after a long, stressful day. Cancer is strongly rooted and often thinks of the past, holding onto mementos and thinking about his childhood. Emotions run deep in the Cancer individual, and even small slights resonate down to his very core. When hurt or disappointed, Cancer will retreat completely into his shell and become unreachable for a period of time. Cancer is generous and kind to others, but will cautiously wait when he confronts a problem to make sure that he doesn’t waste valuable resources. In the end, he will come through and help generously if no other option presents itself. Though possessing a good sense of humor and loving a good joke, the Cancer personality will often become sulky, moody, and irritable for no reason apparent to anyone else. This is just a manifestation of those waters that run so deep in the Cancer individual. Cancer weighs every move carefully, almost never doing things spontaneously, and as a result, he is usually successful in his endeavors. When he fails, he will brood about it for a long time, and will almost never just shrug it off and try again.

For those with a cancer child, you have a loving kid with a long memory, who never forgets an emotional event. Cancer children are well-attuned to their surroundings, almost from birth, and can detect any unsettled atmosphere in the home, making it important to keep home life as stable and serene as possible. Anything associated with well-being, such as food and comfortable surroundings are extremely important to the Cancer child, and if they don’t like something such as carrots or a certain set of sheets, remove them and don’t attempt to present them to the child again any time soon. This child’s reasoning for their dislike, however absurd it seems to you, is coming from a deep, emotional place and you are unlikely to change their minds or make matters better by forcing things on them. Cancer kids are deeply attached to their parents, whether the parent is good or bad, and will be affected emotionally for life by the actions of their parents. Once the Cancer child becomes older, he will likely hoard toys, candy, or whatever else appeals to him, often carefully preserving his trophies in their original packaging. A room with a lot of open shelf space would suit a Cancer child well. Going to school at first will be fairly traumatic for a Cancer child, but with a strong, loving home to return to every day, he will get over this in fairly quick order and become a compassionate and caring friend for his school mates.

Adults under the Cancer sign will be dedicated workers, and will do well at keeping their work and home lives separated. If you have a co-worker with an office full of family photos, you can be sure you are working with a Cancer individual. Cancers do best in jobs where they can nurture others. They have the imagination and intuition to feel what others are feeling and therefore make good human resource employees, trainers, or medical personnel. They are usually not ecstatic about change, so a stable job environment is a positive for Cancer. All in all, the Cancer individual will provide you with a strong, diligent, stable worker who empathizes with co-workers and does a good job with his assigned tasks.

If you have found a romantic partner in a Cancer, you have a caring, insightful, and sentimental partner indeed. Although your Cancer will demand complete honesty and fidelity from you, be aware that it is not above him to dally once in a while himself. Rest assured, though, his real roots are with those to whom he has made a commitment. Cancerians are the most nurturing sign in the zodiac, with a deep-seated need to care for others, and as such will make an excellent caretaker of both the home and the children. Some might find the Cancerian’s lavish attention a bit smothering, however, and if Cancer does not feel their efforts are appreciated, they will fall into a deep funk that may be quite hard to reverse. Many find Cancer individuals difficult to understand, as their emotions sometimes overrule their more sensible side. In order to have a successful relationship with a Cancer, one must choose to accept mood swings and the occasional need that their Cancer partner has to withdraw completely at times. Your Cancer partner equates money with security, and along with providing a comfortable home, will also likely see to it that there is a comfortable nest egg in reserve too.

Cancer in any relationship is nurturing and caring, but with deep mood swings and a sharp tongue when provoked. Cancer seeks out others who are stable and loyal, and who want to focus on home and family. The Cancer individual will be cautious with money and will likely have some cash stashed away for a rainy day. He will also be a collector of something , maybe antiques because of his emotional ties to the past, but possibly something such as coins or model cars or shot glasses. Your Cancer friend will help you if you are in need, but will almost always wait until the last minute to do so, after waiting for you to exhaust all other possibilities. Just remember, the by-words for Cancer are “I feel,” so be careful to emit good vibes around your Cancerian friend and you will be richly rewarded!

———yes I am deeply troubled, moody and emotional oftentimes to the point of being too melodramatic ala-soap operas. I am very spontaneous so I think that part is not right. If I will be renamed as one of my key traits I will be known as Moody.

1. I love to eat. A lot.

2. I love playing scenarios in my mind. It doesn’t matter if it’s morbid, heart-breaking, funny or erotic.

3. I love vampire novels even before Twilight came out.

4. I hate Twilight and I’m sure that I wasted my week when I read the whole series.

5. I probably read the Harry Potter series more than a dozen times and it gets better and better everytime I read it.

6. I hate clowns; they’re fucking creepy.

7. I buy the same style of clothes in different colors.

8. My favorite colors are black, violet, brown and moss green.

9. I used to not like kids. I do now – a little.

10. I used to be in a church choir but my sister teased me that I sound funny when I sing so I seldom sing in front of crowds. I feel like everyone will criticize me when I sing.

11. I dont find k-tv fun.

12. I used to dance ballet when I was younger but was forced to stop because my mom had to leave me to my dad and he doesn’t believe that kids should have an extra curricular activities. It sucks because I love dancing ballet so much.

13. I used to love dancing.

14. I used to be a dreamer. Now I wonder where my dreams are and why I became cynical.

15. I have three tattoos. I wouldv’e gotten a fourth tat but my then-bf husband insisted I dont get one.

16. I used to be funny. Hell, I used to be fun.

17. I used to literally laugh out loud all the time.

18. I used to be a people-person.

19. Until now, I am in a career limbo. Good thing I became a mom.

20. I have too many issues that stemmed in my childhood.

21. My first kiss was a disaster.

22. My first time was a disaster.

23. I dont think I have any regrets in my life.

24. I have abandonment issues.

25. I love my daughter and husband so much that I m willing to die for them.

26. I can look at my daughters smile all day.

27. I had ceasarian section bikini cut.

28. If its up to me, I will be ligated now. My hubby wants another kid so fine, another kid it is but after that I plan to have my tubes ligated.

29. I seldom watch television.

30. My day starts and ends with a smile from my daughter… what more can I ask for?

One too many instances that I thought about ending it all when my endocrinologist advised me not to eat anything sweet in the duration of my pregnancy; then I realized those crazy emotions are part of my crazy pregnancy hormones.
After giving birth, crazy hormones stabilized and I am now a happy person who happily eats my fill of sweets whenever I want to.

I’ve never blogged about my views on religion (that I know of) simply because my views are rather controversial.

For me, religion is a deep-seated set of rules that has the power over people; it sets boundaries. It pushes people to be good and its always been a tool to set fear when were about to do something “evil”.

However, I’m conflicted by the thought of heaven and hell and even judgment day. I’m not sure if I believe it or not.

I believe that there’s a powerful someone that created everyone and everything and has the power to take it all away if he decides to although the Someone I believe in is not cruel and doesnt judge but forgives. Although sometimes I’m not sure if I believe that there really is a Someone or I just want to believe that there is one just so I can have a purpose in my life.

In conclusion, religion is the only one that sets us apart from animals for without it were nothing but animals ourselves.

Tried them, enjoyed them but thank God I’ve never been addicted to them!

I used to be a heavy drinker then. I’m the friend whose always drunk, stumbling on the pavement slurring obscenities to anyone who asks me to cover up (because I used to take my top off everytime! Hey if you got it then flaunt it right?!). In short I’m one of the worst drunks ever! (The puker tops the list, I’m more classier than that because eventhough I cant seem to tell who you are, I always find the toilet bowl when I barf. No mess there.)

So yeah, I’m the drunk friend who always seem to lock herself in the bathroom at around 4 in the morning. And no matter how hard you kick the door I wont open it because that toilet bowl is my bestfriend. “You cant take her away from me!”

This is all fun and games to me and sometimes I have those moments when I ask myself “what the hell is wrong with me?”.

Now that i’ve matured a little and have my own daughter, I’m praying that she wont end up like me. Taking her top off to air her chichis, drinking a lot without a care in the world (“huh?! what liver?”), dancing on ledges, tables or chairs while obviously out of her mind high.

I dread that day. But to be fair, its ok for me to give her a chance to drink but never out-of-her-mind drunk and never high as a kite junkie. I guess its a mothers protectiveness that we dont want our child to do the things we did (hypocrite!) and for them to stay safe and to remain our baby forever.

It’s always been my dream to go somewhere in Europe. Europe for me is like a kingdom far, far away with mighty knights and brutal vikings and stuffs. So I think I’ll either be somewhere in Europe or still here in the Philippines.

I see myself in 10 years in my veranda, eating empanada while wearing my satin night gown and jewelries and curlers shouting to our maids: “Ang tatanga nyo linisin nyo yan! Yung kotse linisin mabuti! Yung pool may dahon pa! Yung roses ko may mga damo damo! Punyeta yung garden daming dry leaves! Syet kayo pag may nakita akong alikabok dyan hindi kayo kakain ng hapunan!”

Such a great life to live. Looking forward to that day.

(shouting profanities to house helpers are only added for fun you dumbo! Dont worry I’ll say them with a smile on my face and a song in my heart)

Me and my husband shares a lot of stuffs. It’s a wonder that I’m okay with that knowing that I had too many issues that I used to think no one in their right mind will want to marry me.

Realizing one of my greatest flaw at the age of 8 when my classmate asked me if she can have some chips I’m eating and I said yes though secretly wishing she chokes and gag is quite alarming. To put it into perspective – sharing is simply not my thing.

Thank the gods for a neurotic (that has his own issues) husband who gets me when I suddenly have uncontrollable ticks because someone is trying to eat my chips.

It’s make two neurotic person like us to make one happy home.

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 – Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 – Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest memory.
Day 15 – Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 – Your beliefs.
Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education is.
Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

Stay tuned.

I’ve long forgotten and turned my back from making some new year’s resolution because I have no balls (to begin with) to fulfill them.

My lame ass resolution always seems to end up getting piled up and forgotten leaving my sorry ass in a state of utter disappointment (not really) and in limbo (again, not really. I just love to use the word limbo, heh).

But it seems to me that since there’s nothing going on in my life (aside from
motherhood which is perfectly amazing) I have to challenge and double dare myself to make and FULFILL (yes, this time, I have to fucking fullfill my list!) my resolutions. So yeah, after many years of being lazy and too apathetic to care, I am now attempting to make a list of my stuffs to-do (because the word new years resolution is so 2009!). So here goes:

1. I have to and I WILL lose weight. I won’t say how much because I am still breastfeeding so I can’t starve myself which means I have to haul my ass to exercise and bust a sweat. And yes, playing with my kid doesn’t count as exercise. Time to do some push ups and some running which leads me to…

2. Wake up early and probably sleep early too. I’ve always thought that 24 hours is such a short time to complete a whole day. Why not 30 or maybe 35?And then it hit me – then it will mean that instead of 8 hours of work it will be 10? 12? 13 hours? Not good. So yeah, 24 it is and yeah – wake up early!

3. Eat healthy. No more sweets for me. I fucking have to fullfill this. No fucking sweets.

4. Forgive myself if I wont be able to resist eating sweets once in a while. I have to rember that my best critic and my worst enemy is myself. I plan on having cheat days to satisfy my sweet tooth but I’ve always been a great cheat to begin with so I’m going for the forgiving part – because i’m not a very forgiving person in the world.

5. Be a patient mother (well, better than I am now.) and a more understanding partner. I have to be more loving and less of a nag.

So yeah, that’s my to-do list.
What’s yours?

I used to have these shower rituals weekly or every day depending on my level of stress.

After giving birth, I’ve found out the hard way that some things are simply impossible to do anymore. My daily long baths are now reduced to a 5-minute shower breaks. I don’t mind having to let go all of these but I surely miss doing them.

Last weekend, me and hubby bought some body salt and scrub and imagine how happy I am because seriously, those hauls are like my holy grail.

I’ve never used Watson’s body salt before (they’re cheap and smells good, I just hope they’re effective!) so I’m hoping that they can really make me smooth as a baby’s bottom. As for the St. Ives body wash, well I hope it’s good and will leave a nice smell after I use it. I’ve never tried using Apricot body wash since I always use vanilla body wash. Here’s to hoping that it wont disappoint.

CHEERS!

I sure hope that all those who died are now happy in wherever they are now and their families will find peace within their selves.

Let’s offer a silent prayer for the souls, their families, and everyone.

We will never forget… we will never forget.

Anyway, enough of the nonsense chit-chat. I had the first few episode of season 1 of The Vampire Diaries saved in my passport since last year but I never got the chance to watch it because the main character in that series – Stefan, looks a lot like Jay Leno for my taste plus I don’t see why vamps need to be all emotional and shit (hence the diary, duh!). So I did what every superficial person will do, erase the files and not sting my eyes with the image of the Jay Leno-ish protagonist.

Then came the boredom and the wear and tear of motherhood (yes, I can be very melodramatic at times). I was browsing the tv when I saw that episode 5 of the series is playing at ETC. Since I have nothing else to do and nothing else to lose (I already lost my sanity, thanks to the non-stop wailing of my kid), I decided to watch the episode… and I find it entertaining. Well, I saw that the Jay Leno-ish Stefan has a super ripped body and that actually soften my snobby attitude with the series. But the anti-hero Damon, with his ripped abs and piercing blue/gray eyes is the one who won me over. I just love to watch semi-naked guys with attitude.

So yeah, after watching a few episodes, I’m hooked, uhm, yeah, the story is good too. The first few episodes are little bit Twilight-y to be considered good, but it gets better as the series progresses, plus Ian Somerhalder (the one who plays Damon Salvatore) is uber hot, can’t argue with that!

So, if you guys like mystery-dude -vampirey-love stories with abs meant to be a star of your wet dreams, then go for TrueBlood (NEVER FORGET!); but if you like a more wholesome approach to your vampire stories with abs meant to be a panty creamer then go for a doze of The Vampire Diaries. This series won’t disappoint fanger fanatics like me.

Anyway, to tell you honestly, I like the book better than the series. I find the plot of the series a bit shallow for my taste HOWEVER (and it must be spelled all-caps) I find the series rather entertaining because… well uhmm.. well… Oh well, because my big vampire viking is there of course! Duh!

And because I can’t get enough of my yummy SPOA, here’s the cover of Rolling Stone with Eric, Sookie and Bill.

Ok, I need to learn how to use photoshop ASAP!

So I guess it will be better for me to tell you how much i love you, not because we’ve been together for quite sometime now but because it makes a good blog entry. So here it goes…

Iloveyou because you give me hope everytime I break down from all the hustle and bustle this world gives me.

Iloveyou because everytime I give myself a hard time you are always there to assure me that everything will be ok.

Iloveyou because we always have the greatest conversations ever. From quail eggs to porn to racism, anti-semitism and just about everything under the sun.

Iloveyou(more) because you downloaded a porn movie that I’ve been looking for a long time…eventhough you were a bit disgusted. Hey, I need to study my craft – thanks for downloading deepthroat. I love it.

Iloveyou because you’re funny. I smile everytime I think of you, especially when we’re having our private jokes together.

Iloveyou because iloveyou. I dont have too many reasons to tell you because our baby is now crying and I have to end this so-called anniversary letter to you.

Oh, Iloveyou because we’re cute when we do and say cheesy stuffs to each other… I guess it’s because I always suprise you by grabbing your ass even when were in front of your friends or my friends. I dont care and you dont seem to mind that so iloveyou more for that.

So I guess I’ve no other words to say, no questions to ask, no fancy gifts to give, no lavish dates to be had. I have nothing to give and nothing more I want, because sharing every moment with you for 3 years and having your baby in my arms are enough to assure me that love is indeed enough.

I love you honey. Come home early (lets go par-tay!)

I am a lazy ass and I am not ashamed to admit it. I do things with a smile on my face and a skip on my pace then at the last minute when I feel like there’s no improvement or sense to whatever I’m doing, I just leave and forget about it and start doing something else. And the cycle goes on and on and on.

Take for example my 365 project. I am so determined to finish what I started but after a while, when people started doing their version of 365 project, I got bored and decided to quit. I am such a loser, I know. I hate competition and challenges. That’s my lame way of attesting to myself that I am unique and that I don’t have to result to competition to assert my being artistic. (aka I AM SO LAZY THEY”RE DOING IT ANYWAY SO LET THEM DO IT AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE excuse.)

So, here I am again, trying hard to make things right once again. I will continue what I started but instead of the 365 pictures of random things  a day (which is much much easier than what I want to do now), I will post a pic of my meals a day… don’t ask me why I’ll take a pic of my meals, just deal with it ok?

So anyway, I’m not sure if I can do this or not, but wish me luck  again for another of my crazy attempts to do things that I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do it. If not, well, at least I tried plus you already know that I am a lazy ass so no harm done.

I know. I’m crazy. Thanks hubby for loving me.

Please visit my 365blog tomorrow. Kthnxbye.

I don’t know; I’m not too sure.

I was so much into believing that people around me want what’s best for me; and I guess it’s not a crime to believe that the people we know has our best interests at heart… but sad to say, not all people are meant to be trusted, take it from me (and hubby)… we learned it the hard way.

I’ve been dropped at the last minute by someone whom I trust and whose words I equate to being right all the time. At first I told myself that everything will be alright since “she didn’t left me hanging” without anyone to pick up the pieces she left. So I decided to stick to her advice. I went to see the person that she said could help me. I did, I was fine with it and I told her all about what her new replacement told me.

And lo and behold – at the last minute, at the time when I am most vulnerable, she told me to stop seeing the person that she recommended in the first place. I didn’t understand everything; or so she thought since as per her words: I am not in the medical field.

It just hurts to know that people whom you trust doesn’t really have your best interest afterall. Or maybe they do but it’s not in their priority to make you feel important at all.

I’ve been having these thoughts lately and I keep on thinking if it’s because everything boils down to MONEY.

And so I ask myself: How about me and my baby?

I’m not too sure what to do anymore. I don’t know if this is because of my hormones or because I am hurt or because I feel like I have no say in everything.

So a simple note to her just in case she reads this: Please listen to what I’m saying.

Kasi naisip ko, minsan di lang puro pera ang kailangan ng tao, mas madalas bigyan mo lang ng oras o kahit konting pansin, ok na yun.

Pero oo nga, kasi kailangan din ng pera para mabuhay ka, kung wala kasi non san ka pupulutin? Sa kangkungan?!

Naisip ko tuloy, mabuti pa dati nung simple lang ang buhay. Di kailangang problemahin yung mga bagay-bagay sa buhay… basta makainom lang ng softdrinks ok na. Sana ganon pa din ngayon no? Parang nagkamali yata ako ng pintong pinasok…

- Mga gumugulo sa isipan na di maintindihan ang pinanggalingan

My life as a new mom.

Hope to see you all there.

You can imagine how shocked I am to hear those words, just 5 minutes through my checkup. How is it possible that I will be cut open even before my due date?

You see, my baby’s estimated weight is already 6.5lbs. I guess my GD is the main reason why she ballooned to that weight. I’m just hoping that she wont have any complications because I might turn insane if that happens. OB says we’ll just wait until the 6th so I’ll be full term before opening me up.

I’ll be coming back on August 4 and have a repeat BPS ultrasound and final checkup.

And yes, I am speechless since yesterday.

I only get to talk and blog this today.

I don’t know if I’m excited or scared or just shocked to be told that I’ll be seeing my angel as early as the 6th.

As they say, childbirth is a guessing game. You’ll never know when your little tyke will come out.

Well, I guess being steered away from your plans really messes you up bigtime. No wonder sudden change of the weather depresses me.

I want a hot choco if only I can have it please.