I just had another interview. It sucks big time. It goes something like this:
Can you tell me more about yourself more or less?
More.
No, no, no… I meant can you tell me more about yourself.
Oh. Okay. My name is Alen and I am a rage-aholic. I love beating people up into a pulp. I enjoy blood and gore and almost anything that has to do with pain. You can tell that I am a bit of a sadist, but honestly, I’m not. I just don’t find hurting people with my bare hands sadistic. I mean, if you can even call that sadistic. I guess for me its leisure. I love pain and I derive a great satisfaction in hearing people cry. Oh! I’m also hardworking.
Ok… So can you tell me more about your “rage-aholic” side?
Well.. I don’t really know if that’s one side of me or not. I guess it’s an integral part of being me. I am rage-aholic. There are some people who are shopaholic or alcoholic or maybe even phobic of anything for that matter. I don’t find anything wrong with being a rage-aholic to tell you frankly. Some people seem to think that its weird or downright scary to have one. Of course there are some ups and downs in being one, but I find the ups of it to be more liberating.
Can you tell me the Ups and Downs of being a.. err.. rage-aholic?
Ok. Remember I told you I love pain? Well, being a rage-aholic is a good thing since you always seem to be surrounded in pain, or people in pain. And that’s a good thing. Seeing someone scared out of their wits and shaking with tremor everytime they see you are a satisfaction all in itself. I smell pain everyday. It helps me get going in a depressy-kind of day. Torture is a breath of fresh air in the chaos that we call earth. It’s fun to torture people. Between you and me, I love the screams and the yelps. It makes me laugh out loud. A lot. The downside? Well let me see… well, I get nightmares about bunnies. Fluffy bunnies. I’m a sweet kid. I used to love this bunny that my cousin have as a pet. In fact I named him Bugsybuns – ain’t that clever? Bugsybuns. Short for Bugs Bunny. I thought Bugsybuns is my friend. We played a lot. One time, I tried to tickle his belly then all of a sudden he bit me. He bit me hard. Everything went black after that. I didn’t know what happened next. I’m pretty sure I must have had an attack of the rage because that’s the only time I get to have those blackouts and when I calmed down, Bugsybuns was no more.
No more?
Yeah no more. I just found the ear lying beside my feet and he’s nowhere to be seen. The only logical explanation was that Bugsybuns ran away. I find that having uncontrollable episodes of rage brings me the sads. It’s lonely not being able to say goodbye to your friend. Being a rage-aholic makes you so vulnerable that you became so sensitive. That’s the downside of it. But I guess sometimes that’s ok, because everytime I have those sad moments, I get up, scream as loud as my vocal chords can support and beat people up. It helps a lot. If I’m lucky I get to torture people that I don’t like very much. But those are a bit of a stretch. There are a few people that I don’t like. Well, there are a lot but most of them are gone now. There’s this one fellow that I find so annoying before but then now we are as close as sisters. I read to her daily everytime I visit her at her place. She’s a lazy slob, that girl. I call her veggie. Well, she’s a vegetable now that’s what I heard. I’m clever like that so I call her veggie. She doesn’t seem to mind that. She’s such a sport.. well, of course I don’t really know if that’s true since all she does is lay there on her bed and stare at me and be a vegetable. Sometimes its not fun at all.
Ok.. Um.. Should we continue?
Yes pls. If we don’t continue, I might have another episode. I don’t find it good to have those black outs. Sorry, I’m a little bit on the reminiscing side.
Ok, ok. Fair enough. So tell me, why do you think I should hire you?
You should hire me because I’m good at what I do. I love causing pain and I’m just hella proud that I excel in doing that. If Bugsybuns is here, he might be proud of me too. And also, I’m a good follower. Ok, not so much and it actually depends on what you want me to do and what I want to do. So maybe you should hire me because aside from the smell of fear, I love the smell of papers?
Can you tell me your weakness? Is it your being a rage-aholic?
Honestly, I don’t find my being a rage-aholic my weakness. In fact I can definitely say that it’s my greatest strength. Extracting fear and causing mayhem is a lot of fun than what I made it sound like. You can never have too much blood in your hands that’s for sure. So my greatest weakness I think will be my being shy.
Ok… uhmm.. can you say that your professional? How so?
Uh.. Im professional because I act professionally. I uhm.. ah.. well.. to be honest I don’t want that question.
And why is that?
Because it makes me upset and it makes me want to rip out your ears.
Ok. It’s a bad question. I agree. I hate that question too. So maybe I should just ask you why you didn’t write your managers as your reference in your resume. Not that I find anything wrong with that. I’m just curious.
Well.. I was supposed to write their names in my resume but I didn’t get the chance to tell me that I’m applying for another job.
Ok. Are they still in good condition? Hahaha Just kidding.
Well.. To tell you honestly, that’s a good question. I’m sorry I won’t be able to tell you the answer to your question because I feel the sadness creeping out on me again. I guess they simply left when I told them that the task that they assigned me is a bit hard. I wasn’t able to contact them after that. Just like Bugsybuns, they left without a word.
Ok.. So ok thank you for your time. We’ll call you if you ever pass the uhmm.. interview. Remember, don’t call us, we’ll call you. : )